The 17 Strong Suggestions – the dharma of Nick Harkaway’s “The Gone Away World”

ImageHaving unsuccessfully tried to live my live according to Christian, Wiccan, Buddhist, Odinistic, and Islamist principles, I’ve carved my own 17 Strong Suggestions from that penultimate work of prophecy – Nick Harkaway’s “The Gone Away World.” These are suggestions, so if you mess up a bit, it may still be fatal, but there isn’t really an afterlife penalty. Incidentally, I’m not really so sure on the afterlife thing anyway. Might be nice just to be turned off instead of having to line up and yodel praises to Ganesh or what have you. Without further ado, the 17 Strong Suggestions.

  1. Women are indistinguishable from incendiary devices. Always wear oven mitts, just in case.
  2. Big Trucks, always.
  3. Beware of pencilnecks, they keep their souls in a closet, next to their shoes, and polish the latter with great zeal while the former exhausts it’s half-life quicker than a Darmstadtium coffee mug.
  4. Keep the soil well drained around your tree of error lest the pumpkins of disaster become overripe.
  5. Try as you might to kill your inner self, it just keeps coming back.
  6. Things that go away, must go somewhere, and something else always shows up in the void. “Somewhere” is usually your sock drawer and “something else” is usually a rabid ferret.
  7. Soft styles are the dog’s balls.
  8. Embrace your inner Ronnie with the utmost care, lacerations and fractures are likely.
  9. You shouldn’t kill your friend for accidentally eating your pet. It’s perfectly understandable if you do though and most people won’t blame you.
  10. Sooner or later all common sense is replaced by pencilneck talking points.
  11. Everyone you know is a warsheep, help them stay clear of landmines and keep a clean up kit in your trunk or boot.
  12. Respect the Tupperware.
  13. Stay near the pipe. Those who stray might come back, but they will never be the same. Bob from accounting might best be served from an extended vacation away from the pipe.
  14. If something in your life is on fire, try blowing it up.
  15. Mimes may train your in their art, but invisible boxes wont protect you. You have to pay extra for the secrets.
  16. It doesn’t matter where you go to school or what you earn your degree in, real life will always resemble a losing battle against the fogs of insanity populated with unfathomable mutants.
  17. Do kiss the girl next door, don’t tell her she resembles a donkey.
  18. Eat your pie while you can, especially if it’s cherry
  19. The Scalzian Corollary – If you can’t eat your pie at the moment, ask your wife to make a smoothie of it and store in the freezer for up to 3 days.
  20. The Gong-Fu of numbered lists is that they are slightly more humorous if there is a mismatch in the numeration unless the humor is self-referenced and obtuse.